Arguing with the wrong person

Healing yourself, loving the world

This post was first written in 2012. You might find it’s even more relevant today.

Those of you familiar with Family Constellations and/or Family Energetics know that things aren’t always as they seem when it comes to family relationships and interactions.  One situation in particular that captures my interest and has shown up in my clients’ lives is when we find ourselves arguing intensely with a family member but the intensity and frequency seem over-blown.  Here’s an exercise that you can play with to get some new insights into what’s needing to be seen at a deeper level from the perspective of ancestral entanglements.

A Family Energetics exercise

When to use

You are arguing with someone a lot and it seems out of proportion to the actual issue.

You have a strong “negative” reaction to someone you love and you can’t seem to budge it.

You feel like you don’t even really see the person you are interacting with.

Setting the stage

Imagine/sense/intuit yourself facing the person you are having trouble with.  Name the relationship (i.e. mother/son, brother/sister, husband/wife.)

Sensing the field

Notice these three things:

  • The level of intensity between you and the other person.
  • How muddled the energy feels between the two of you.
  • Whether you can look the other person in the eye energetically or find yourself looking elsewhere.


What can happen in these situations is that the energy of previous family members can be showing up in the current relationship.    With the realization that there are most likely other family members from generations before that are contributing to this situation, try the following tapping script.

Side of the hand points:

Even though I feel this intense emotion towards you, and I know it’s not all about you, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I’m frustrated and angry by our dynamic, I deeply and completely love and accept myself and my feelings toward you.

Even though there are other people feeling the same way, I am open to seeing who else is involved here.

The rounds:

Eyebrow:  These feelings of anger and frustration.

Side of the Eye: What’s going on?

Under the Eye: Who else is angry?

Nose: Who else is frustrated?

Chin: Who else didn’t get to express their feelings?

Collarbone:  Who else is involved?

Under the Arm: Who else is hurting?


Take a few deep breaths and see if anyone comes to mind as having an issue in their same relationship.   If anyone comes to mind, tap a few more rounds for them and what they might be feeling with the intention of seeing and releasing with love the experience. Then tap a few more rounds on you and the original person you were having an issue with.

Even though things have been intense between us, I realize now I wasn’t seeing you clearly.

Even though the love between us was being obscured by previous issues, I see you clearly now.

Move through the points using the reminder phrase: “I see you now.”

Completed picture

This exercise is working when:

  • You notice a shift in feelings towards the current person.
  • You have some insight into the other family relationship.
  • You can see the current person clearly.

Want more?

There are 32 other exercises like this in my book Family Energetics, found on Amazon.

Photo by Sugar Bee

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Deborah Donndelinger

Deborah Donndelinger

I'm writing from Maryland, but my heart goes out all over the world. I'm cheering you on as you tackle the hard stuff, embrace the easy, and show up to help others.